Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War
Sports »
Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense
OMAHA, NE—Nebraska State coaches said quarterback Joshua Adams was reading far too much into the positioning and schemes of the opposing... more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover
WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the......more»
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Infographic »
Defense Bill Features Less Waste
The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential......more»
Local
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Video »
How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son
Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality....more»
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National News Highlights »
BOWIE,MD-In an attempt to rein in his alcoholism, Bryan Delong decided that from now on he will only have a drink if it's out of a fancy glass.
World
Entertainment
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Cherokee Nation Makes Headlines As Fraction Of Actress's Bloodline
CHICAGO—The proud and ancient Cherokee Nation was thrust into the spotlight during a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show this week,......more»
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Horoscopes »
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
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TV Listings »
Let's Make A Baby
ABC
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
Contestants conceive children.
Science & Technology
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Report: 65% Of All Wildlife Now Used As Homosexual Subculture Signifier
PALO ALTO, CA—A study released Tuesday by the Stanford University Department of Linguistics revealed that nearly two-thirds of all animal......more»
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Infographic »
October Is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
The American Cancer Society predicts 40,170 women will die from breast cancer this year.
Here are some things women can do to......more»
Opinion
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Advice »
Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex RestaurantDear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, For the past six weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling our master......more»
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Letters to the Editor »
Dear The Onion,
Enjoy OUTRAGEOUS autumn deals at The Smog Doctor! Take $10 off your State of California Smog Inspection during our SMOGTOBERFEST blowout! Remember: If you catch YOUR CAR smoking, then come see the Doctor!
The Smog Doctor, Santa Clarita, CA
Economy
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Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears
NEW YORK—"It's like they don't even know I'm alive," said John Green, 91, of Miami. "I don't know why I let it bother me. I've lived a rich, rewarding life. But they're so pretty, and their hair is so perfect."...more»
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World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall
SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday, witnesses......more»
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Stockwatch »
JCP
JCPenneyAs the hour of the wolf approaches and the fallow land begets stillborn crops, the slaving caste finds comfort only in great deals on Arizona jeans.
